A year without Christian

It’s June 10, and we are at the beach. Our family of 5 instead of 7. That’s a really sad way to start. We are having a great time. However, it’s a sad day. Today, last year, I was preparing for Christian’s funeral. I was trying on my sister’s dresses to see which one looked ok in my post-pardum body. I was hoping I wouldn’t be where I was. This year, I’m at the beach, and yesterday was the best day. I rode the skim board, I rode the waves with Isaac and I got sunburned. Everyone had a great day. Then I woke up this morning, and I remembered it was June 10. “It’s just another day. Enjoy it.” I kept telling myself. But it’s not just another day. Because I have 2 little boys that should be here with us. And I miss them terribly. I don’t just want them to know their brothers. I’m sad because they’re never going to know their grandparents, aunts, or uncles, much less their cousins, who are all amazing. I’m sad because they won’t know Mr. Brian and Ms. Cindy. I’m sad because this side of heaven, they are missing out on the abundant life God has given me.
Isn’t that so strange? That I go from being sad and missing half my family, to realizing that I have the abundant life in Christ. That’s why we named Christian what we did. It was all we could do to speak the name of Christ over him. Elias means “Yahweh is my God.” As parents, all we want for our children is for them to know Christ like we do. To love Him more than anything else in this world. And it does help me to know that Christian Elias is already worshipping Christ for all eternity.
At times, I’m very jealous of Christian, and at times, I just want him here. That’s what today has been. I want to see him and his brothers play in the sand. I want to see who his friends would be. I miss him so much. I just re-read the letter I wrote to him to be read at the funeral. I thought I would include it, just so people know it’s ok good to grieve and all at the same time, you can point to Christ and say you don’t understand why. I never will know why God chose Christian’s days to be short. And I will never apologize for talking about him or for grieving the way that I see fit. But. I will say I trust God and that I know He has given me 5 precious boys. And I don’t take any of them for granted.

Sweet Christian boy,
When your daddy and I found out you were going to be a part of our family, we were ecstatic. We told your brothers and we were all pretty convinced you were a girl. Little did we know that our family is just made to have boys, and as your momma, I couldn’t be happier about that. 
When daddy and I found out we were only going to have a little time with you, I had a million thoughts go through my head. I didn’t understand why we would have such little time, why I couldn’t rock you, sing to you, watch you grow up with your brothers, and I would never know what color hair you have. Then, I reminded myself that God’s plans are better than mine. That sometimes I don’t have to understand His plans, but as scripture says, we make our plans and God directs our paths. In the past few days the path God has chosen for our family has been hard. It’s been filled with moments of deep sorrow, of grief, and pain, and it’s also been filled with joy. 
The day we found out that God had already called you to His side, I was lead to psalm 116:15. “Precious in the sight of The Lord is the death of His saints.” You are precious, and thats exactly what i told you the first time i held you. You’re not only precious to your family but to Christ. I know that. That gives me more joy than I’ve ever known. It will continue to give me joy as long as I’m living, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m so grateful I had time with you to count your fingers and toes, to rock you and sing to you. I’m so glad and proud that you are my little boy. Thank you for being a part of our family and for being a part of my discipleship. You’ve brought me closer to Christ, and that is something I don’t take lightly. You’ve allowed me to feel Christ’s love through His body more than I ever have before. You, my son, are a gift. I love you so much. You are my sunshine, and always will be. 
Love, mommy.

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One thought on “A year without Christian

  1. glenna marshall says:

    *tears*

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