well, i can’t really believe i’m going to write this right now. the reason being is that i’m in no way a master on parenting or being a wife, or well, anything really! today, my thoughts have been everywhere. i cleaned out my boys’ room (which is BIG, ya’ll), and felt like i couldn’t stop. in turn, i yelled at my kids a lot today. and they got a lot of discipline from me…some good, some not so good. let me start from the beginning…
we had breakfast and when i woke up this morning, i decided we weren’t going to go anywhere, but that i needed to get our house in order and do some things i had been wanting to do for a long time. so, i got to work. the boys watched a show, then i sent them upstairs to make their beds and pick up (what we call “champion morning”) and i followed behind pretty soon after they went upstairs. i found myself wanting to stop them from being boys and correct their behavior. it was little things…running through the rooms, throwing toys into a bag instead of placing them in there. you know. kids things that are NORMAL. so, i tried to compose myself and take a step back. it happened some, but it definitely didn’t happen all day. i yelled, then disciplined, then yelled more, and then just got downright frustrated.
after one particular incident, ben came and said “we’re disciplining them and at the same time we’re being disciplined.” the Lord is so faithful to use me when i am SO weak. i had to apologize to my kids a lot today. and when i did, i asked for God’s forgiveness, too. then, tonight, we read the story of Jesus’s temptation in the desert and the calling of his disciples. this reminded me so much of what i want to say, what i want everyone to think i do daily, and that i don’t do so much, and need the Lord so much more. SO.MUCH.MORE, ya’ll. i’m so thankful that the Lord disciplines me and that my kids can see my sanctification happening before their eyes. they know i’m not perfect and that we all mess up. the comforting thing is that Jesus doesn’t mess up. all of this is part of His refining us into being more like Him. He is so glorified when we can admit our sin and know that God is all that we need. we cannot do this life on our own.
i find it so easy to cop-out and to blame the world and other people for my attitude on a daily basis. what it really boils down to is that i need Jesus so much, and i want to handle it on my own. one steady thought i’ve had since april is that everything that happens is NOT a surprise to Christ. today was not a surprise. our miscarriage in april was not a surprise to the Lord. our middle son was diagnosed with epilepsy in october. it is not a surprise to the Lord. He uses all of this to form us into the person and people we need to be. He is the potter, and we are the clay. all i can do is pray that i continue to want Christ to form me into who He has for me to be. i want my desires to be the desires he has for me. even when hard days don’t make sense, diagnoses don’t make sense, and the loss of unborn babies don’t make sense, we still know that God is the ONE who does everything and makes everything work together.
so, all you moms out there. don’t get discouraged when you yell at your kids. ask for forgiveness from Jesus and from them. and don’t get discouraged when you have a hard time trusting Him with your life, with all the heartache you endure. simply admit that you can’t do it on your own, and ask for grace for the day, then go on with the next day, trusting that He will be faithful, because He always is.