Well, I’ve dreaded writing this post. And it’s probably going to take me several days to write it.
The question of why keeps coming to my mind. I don’t understand God’s plans for my life…for our life. I don’t know why I have two angel babies instead of 5 living children. I don’t know why I get angry at my children when I’m really just sad. I don’t know a lot of things right now.
What I do know is that I miss our baby and our Christian. I do know that I don’t know how to talk to people about either of our babies (unless they’re good friends). I do know that I wish death was something we could talk about openly, even though it’s sad, instead of it feeling like it’s a no no. I do know that not a day has gone by that I haven’t longed to have more time with both of our babies.
I can’t imagine what my life would look like right now if I were still pregnant. I try and imagine it, but it’s so hard. I wouldn’t be able to help out in Dillion’s classroom like I have; I wouldn’t be helping out at preschool like I do; I wouldn’t be teaching Sunday school; I wouldn’t be getting rid of baby clothes and bath tubs and bumbo seats. And everything I’ve been able to do because I’m not pregnant has been a joy (except the baby clothes part), but it pales in comparison to even just more time with Christian and our other son.
I also know the truth. God is faithful to what He has called me to do and to be. He has called me to be a mother to all 5 of my children. He’s called me to be a wife to Ben, a good church member, a pastor’s wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. And He’s called me to bear the burden of the death of my children. As I work through all of that, I know that He gives me everything I need. I know that He is so much more able than I am. And I know that this is now my story. I also continue to know the love of Christ like I’ve never known before through His body…whether they go to church with us or not. And I know that Christian’s death has already moved people to love Christ more and to want to be more like Him. I love that. But, I miss my baby. I miss my babies. I long to hold them, to rock them to sleep, and to make things for them. I long for other people to know them. I long to see what their personalities could have been.
BUT, the fact of the matter is that they are never going to encounter sin. They never have to know evil. They will only know heaven, and not earth. That’s such a joy to know that my children are protected from the woes of this world. Do I miss them? Of course. Do I wish they were here? More than ever. But, I will continue to rejoice in The Lord, because He has give me good things. He has given me gifts. He has made me who I am because I get the privilege of parenting Dillon, Isaac, and Sammy, and the privilege of having two other children. I praise God for the body of Christ. I praise Him because He loves me, because He cares for me, and because I trust in Him more than anything else in life. I’ll close with the verses that are on Christian’s headstone. I cling to these and truly believe them with all my heart.
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments. (Habakkuk 3:17-19 ESV)
Thank you, Lord for my five children. I praise you because they are all fearfully and wonderfully made.